03 February 2007
He dun made me happier than a pig in s**t!
Who? My husband, for once. Yep, he signed The Paper. What paper? The Most Important Paper I Have Ever Needed Signed.

Someone ‘splain me something. Why is it in France I can get birth control in any form and even have an early-term abortion all on my own, but if I want my fallopian tubes clamped, my husband has to sign a paper giving his consent? WTF is that all about?

And why is it considered ‘mutilation’ to prevent the baby factory from factoring any more babies into our lives? Pills don’t work for me, the implant doesn’t seem like a good choice either (considering my reaction to the patch), and an IUD is out because my cervix is pockmarked like the surface of the moon from all the tests, cone biopsies, and other crap I had back during the Year of The Cancer. Given all this, it still took me a bunch of bitching to get OB-GYN Kenobi to consider letting me ‘get sterilized’, and even that is a misnomer. No Snip-n-Tie in France! Oh, noooooooooooooooooo. Nope, here they clamp your tubes shut and be done with it…because you never know, one day you just might want another baby.

True, one day I might want another baby. But, trust me, under no condition will I want to be the one to carry that baby. If my arms start feeling so empty I feel the need to have another child, I’ll adopt. No, really. I would. And Marc? If he wants another? Easy! It’s called the “Let’s get divorced and you can knock someone else up! Oh, and I get to keep the three kids, the house, car, and all of your money for the rest of your life!” plan. It sounds frightening, but trust me, he found it much better than the ‘If you touch me again and I get pregnant, you will eat your testicles while I fry your penis” plan..

So the paper is signed and I will turn it in to the Great Doctor Sunday during my regularly scheduled visit. Wait, a Sunday? Regular visit? Yep! I rock so hard that my doctors take time out on their weekend to see me. OK, that’s not exactly true, but she’s on call this weekend so she’s seeing us on Sunday so she can sleep late Monday. She’s only human, after all.

I’ll also get to see the wee one tomorrow, along with Hubsy and the two monkeys. Hopefully she won’t object to having the entire family squashed into the tiny exam room, but I’d really like to make it clear to Muppet that I’m the one with the ‘bébé dans le ventre’ and not him. He’s got that one a bit backwards. It’s cute, but rather frightening that my son believes he’s going to be a mom…and at the age of three.

I’ll also find out if my blood pressure has calmed down any or if I’m going to have to battle that, as well as the gestational diabetes thing, all over again. I checked my sugar the other day after eating and it was around 150—not good, not at all. I really don’t do well while pregnant. It just doesn’t agree with me.

But this is The Last Time, AMEN, and so far I really feel better than either time before, so… Here’s hoping that continues, although honestly, I could do without the sore, throbbing, aching, DO NOT TOUCH ME boob thing. My God I have never had boob pain like this, ever.

I’ll have the answer tomorrow, but I’m curious now. Who thinks it’s a boy? Who thinks it’s a girl? And anyone got any name suggestions?
posted by Doc at 14:57 | Permalink |


  • At 17:01, Anonymous Jules

    Well I did a Tarot card reading for you and get a strong feminine result. However, unfortunately maybe ::snicker:: that most likely means that the child is going to be like it's mother. That could mean your traits, personality and habits or the child may just favour you in looks. So you can expect a small fashionista with a charming if somewhated jaded outlook on life, an easy acceptance of the circumstances and the willingness to do whatever it takes to get the result desired. The other cards show a rough labour and indicate the clamping of the tubes is an excellent decision that you should continue to fight for. That will be 20£ please haha.

  • At 17:54, Blogger Samantha

    My guess is a boy. What do I win if I'm right?

  • At 18:45, Blogger Z

    I guess a girl. Hope tomorrow goes really well.

  • At 18:53, Blogger La Rêveuse

    Oh, oh, oh, have I had the boob thing, too. Like Dr. B was not allowed within 2 feet of them for 5 months. I referred to them as my "pain sacks". Better now, thank God, although I would rather they were a bit smaller. There's no such thing as pretty, sexy bras in this size--they all look like orthopedic contraptions.

    I say girl, just because you were as sick as I was and had ouchy boobies. (And I hope you get to avoid getting peed at in the forehead during diaper changes, too.)

  • At 08:15, Anonymous Anonymous

    I think it's a girl!

  • At 08:42, Blogger Pam

    I think girl too. And for no other reason than just that Girl popped into my head first. So, no charge if I'm right. LoL

  • At 09:00, Blogger Linda

    I'm having a psychic moment and I see one of each-twins. Not really. I'm seeing a boy, but what do I know?

  • At 17:44, Blogger Gigi

    Yes - I've always found it odd that having your tubes clamped is called 'mutilation'...up until recently tubal litigation and vasectomies were illegal (although some surgeons would do it anyway). Even now, they're only comfortable doing it if you've had fifteen children and are over 57 :-)

    Boy? Girl? No idea - I'm just sure you're going to have a beautiful baby!

  • At 17:47, Blogger Gigi

    um - I think I meant 'tubal ligation' there...I've been seeing too many lawyers recently...

  • At 19:23, Blogger Wendz

    Boy or girl! Pffft...what do I know....anyway...for names, it's time to go retro dearie...if a boy call him Serge and a girl..call her Blandine...ha ha ha ha..

    Damn about the hassle to get snipped...I want to beg a hysterectomy this year...fat chance? But hen I am older than you so maybe, huh!

  • At 22:33, Blogger Nicole

    I've had the same run around for this too! I'm too young to get my tubes tied (I'm older than you btw), we might want more kids, what if's out the wazoo, blah blah blah. Dr finally agreed but I'm actually not going to do it but only because it can make pms worse and there will be no one left standing if that happens. Bed's all yours...

  • At 10:34, Blogger Pardon My French

    I didn't know it was such a hassle to get 'mutilated' -- they really should have added that in to the 'formation civique' day I attended. Is it any easier for men to get a vasectomy? Do the wives have to sign for them?