23 May 2008
Gah! Where do I start?

Do you feel neglected? Have I done that to you? I feel like I’ve neglected you, and the burden of guilt is weighing me down so much that I just neglect you some more. I’ve fallen off the ole Bloggin’ Wagon, and Dear Sweet Jesus, do I ever need help getting back on. So here I am again, giving out (probably empty) promises that I’ll be back in the saddle soon, and spreading wit and pointless stories like Typhoid Mary.

Or maybe I’m just teasing you. Wouldn’t be the first time, right?

Anyway, Here’s me, sitting right in front of the same ugly computer in the same ugly corner in the same ugly house in the same ugly village… I should probably stop right there. You’ve got the picture, right? Nothing noteworthy has changed. We’ve still not moved. We still have no idea when that will ever happen (although, just as an aside, the fact that I’m stating we don’t know when, as opposed to not knowing if, is a HUGE mark of just how optimistic I’m forcing myself to be in that department).

The kids are growing, and I’d really love to share a picture of the three of them in all their little monkey glory, but unfortunately I don’t ever manage to have the skills required to catch all three of them in focus in one picture, and as there’s three of them I’m not sure I’ll have the time to upload one of each. Maybe I will. If there are pictures attached then I did. If there aren’t, well, some other insanity has rescued you from that bit of cuteness.

I am, for the moment, off the happy pills. Wow! No, I’m not healed, probably not even on the road to mental health (does that even exist?), or even feeling that much better. It’s more of a ME thing, really. Why should I need to medicate solely to be able to support the overbearing presence of Mr. Manthing? If that is truly the problem, and it feels like it is, then I should just bully him back into being the way she should (IMHO) be, right? So new tactic, and so far it seems to be working, or at least working as well as those old happy pills but without running up the Secu’s debt any. Yay Me!

Or maybe not. Because sometimes I wonder if the man really knows who he married. This past weekend I had some very nice people over, people with whom I have some sort of connection with on at least some level. And after all these people had gone back to their respective sleeping holes for the evening, Mr. Manthing looks over at me and says something about how he’s not really sure he knows the person I am, implying that when those people were here I’d somehow mutated into someone I’m not. And this struck me as something so fundamentally sad, probably the root of all the “maritals” running through this marriage, because for once I felt almost like me again. For months, probably years at this point, I’ve felt lost here. I’m not stay-at-home-mother material, I’m surely not a housewife, and the one weekend, the first weekend in a coon’s age I’ve been able to step outside both of those roles—at the same time (!!!), I get accused of not being me. You have no idea how frightening this is.

So I’ve had minor irons in the fire, little tidbits to help keep me sane and prevent me from drowning in a sea of crayons, unusable sidewalk chalk (yes, there’s a rant there), and shitty diapers. The biggest of these projects, and probably the most interesting—no, certainly the most interesting, was my visit last weekend with this English dude named Ian. See, Ian’s got a book—a REAL book—that talks about things like farming, relationships, and those nasty Londoners who like the English countryside so much they drive the locals out. And he’s English, so he’s got one of those POSH accents that comes to him naturally without having to fake it, like say, I would—although I personally think my English accent is rather…OK, it’s fake, totally fake. Anyway, Ian came for a visit and we did a book-signing in Joinville and he sold a few books (which was nice) and we talked about me eventually writing The Book That Ends All Books, you know the one where I officially bump The Bible out of the Most Books Sold slot, that one, because he totally thinks I can (please don’t let his delusions fool you—he is rather intelligent otherwise). Actually, we spent a good bit of time talking about publishers and what total arseholes (his word) they can be. Because he’s really been dicked around on his book. I’ve read it. I liked it. And he’s gotten a lot of really, really extraordinary reviews. But the publisher is letting the book sink right off the face of the earth. It’s sad really, because it’s a book with a message (like THINK, you stupid rich people, about what you’re really doing when you buy that lovely country home that you’ll spend all of four weeks in a year), with lots of good characters, good stories, laughter, tears, the whole nine yards. So, if you’ve got nothing else to do, go over to Amazon and buy yourself a copy—or let me know if you’d be interested in meeting the guy, because I’ve got his schedule of events committed to memory. But beware girls, he is married…

posted by Doc at 15:23 | Permalink |


  • At 16:45, Blogger Heather

    So nice to see you back! I'm with you on the SAHM thing - can't hardly bear it!

    Putting the book on my wishlist and maybe you can get him to come to Canada!

  • At 16:52, Blogger Antipo Déesse

    It's soooo good to feel your creative writing juices flowing again and ooozing all over me.

    Darlin' , you didn't need any happy pills with Vivi, Stella and Antipo around, did ya?

    Your English accent is rather fab actually.


  • At 21:37, Blogger Epiphany

    First, of all, you dangle the Englishman carrot for the better part of a rather long paragraph and only at the very end mention he's married. You did that on purpose. That wasn't very nice. You know I'm susceptible. ;-)

    But the main thing I want to say is this: Remember that you have many sides. At the moment, your Mommy/Domestic Goddess side is getting most of the exposure, but that doesn't mean it's your only side. Nor does it mean that side will go away if the other sides of you start to show. Remember you are a work in progress every bit as much as your children are.
    Also, if he's not seen this 'new' side of you, think of this: when you first went to France, you were wrestling with a language barrier. It's hard to sound like mensa material when you're struggling with verb forms in the simplest of sentences. And by the time you got your legs under you language-wise, you were a mommy, and that took most of your time and energy. So even if he knew that other side of you existed, what chance has he really gotten to see it in action? Maybe you both forgot that side was there - and that's what's frightening to you.

    And finally, it's good to see you back in these parts. You've been missed - I was about to send out the posse.
    I love you muchas,

  • At 21:43, Blogger Samantha

    And here I was thinking I'd get a date out of this whole book signing party. LOL

  • At 03:40, Blogger michelle

    the book sounds interesting -

    maybe he should tell his publisher to promote it as a British Version of "Toujour Provence" but with less bullshit??

    oh - and don't know how you do it without your head exploding

  • At 14:03, Anonymous Anonymous

    Glad you're back, with all the many facets of you.

  • At 18:36, Blogger The Trecek Krewe

    So glad to be able to read you again! I have been wondering about what has been going on with you lately. I can completely relate to what you are going through. It is scary when you feel you have "lost" a part of yourself. I myself have slowly been working on finding "me" again as well. Hubby keeps telling me I need to write that great children's book to make more money. I will be wishing you luck.


  • At 07:19, Blogger Catherine

    Listen to your author friend! This book of all books! You can do it!

    P.S. So glad to hear you're okay! Thinking of you often and sending happy thoughts across the pond.

  • At 13:22, Blogger C.

    a) Glad to see you are back.

    b) Oh my god, why is it so hard for our respective spouses to understand the complexity of being a SAHM/work-from-home-mom, expat, writer, intelligent human being who does not actually ENJOY cleaning up after people?

    c) Write the book of all books!

  • At 14:05, Anonymous Anonymous

    So glad you are back! You have to write a book! You are
    extraordinary with words.

    Sherry from SC

  • At 21:18, Blogger jchevais

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 21:20, Blogger jchevais

    u needs an illuztrator?

    if i's had the werds you do, i's could rite a bouk too. only, i's dont got lots of werds like u but weerd swirly dervil pickchurs in my hed insted. Pls try 'kay? I don'ts got the werds two draw u the pikchurs but i's gots fayth in u. pinky swair.