06 March 2008
Crazy? Not me!
It’s true. The shrink verified it this afternoon. So that’s good news. Of course, if I’m not the crazy one, then you may take this opportunity to reflect on just who the crazy one might be. Or not. In fact, don’t. He’ll only insist he’s not.

So, having said that, let me just take a minute to thank those of you who sent kind words and sprinkles of pixie dust my way during my absence. Yes, I was on a mental health break, one that was probably long overdue, and yes, I finally asked to be and was medicated—heavily. There is something to be said for a country of fonctionnaires who suffer incessantly from depression. Bless them! Bless them all! They’ve made my life just that much easier.

So, I’m not crazy. I’m burned out, worn out, drug under, and gasping for air. But I’m alive. I wasn’t too terribly sure I’d be able to say that a month or two ago, considering all the shit that has fallen under my shoes on this trek. But I’m here.

Or maybe I’m just a hologram?

“But Doc,” you’re asking, “What has been your problem?”

Well, glad you asked. Since November, I’ve drug one child or the other along to the doctor 43 times. Forty-three visits in three months. (God Bless Social Medicine! I cannot imagine what we would have done State-side, other than cry.) We’ve had three cases of chicken pox, five cases of conjunctivitis, four rounds of le gastro-one of which lasted the better part of two weeks, two double ear infections and one single ear infection, plus all the regular colds, fevers, sniffles, teething, rashes and general pains and discomforts of childhood. In addition, Mr. Man-Thing put a huge thorn through his finger (and yes he was wearing industrial-strength work gloves at the time) and I’ve been trying to regulate everything from my normal hormonal mood swings to the omnipresent urge to beat the living shit out of Thorny-Hand-Man. Wait, that’s probably a bit redundant, that last bit.

But I am not, I repeat, The Crazy One.

I should probably point out that there really isn’t a Crazy One, at least not yet.

In the midst of over-running toilets, leaky diapers, and too many medications to keep track of because damn! Can’t they just make some NyQuil here and be done with it! I’ve realized that I am struggling to keep me…alive? Does that sound too melodramatic? I am the first to admit I was not cut from the Happy Housewife cloth. And that Stay-at-Home-Mom T-shirt doesn’t fit me very well at all either. But here I am, stuck in a role I loathe, feeling resentful to almost everyone and everything because, well I don’t know why exactly.

I think part of it stems from the immigrant thing. I’m the one who gave up everything (practically) to be here. My friends are all on the other side of the ocean, with the obvious exception of the one moron who decided to do just what I did and marry a Frenchman. My family is all Over There, my history, my culture, my language. All of it I gave up willingly for this? Dirty diapers? Conversations about pipi et caca? Never-ending drool? I’m not quite sure this is an identity crises, although that’s probably as good a description as any. I do have My Life, outside of the house, such that it is, but it is often a source of conflict, and it’s left me wondering if this, this so-called marital bliss, is something I really need or even want in my life.

So lots and lots of soul-searching has been going on. Lots and lots of e-mails have gone unanswered. And lots and lots of blogs I adore have fallen off the radar, mine included. I’ve been rude and negligent in my illness. I plead insanity—although given the Shrink’s account, I’ll stand trial anyway.

Can’t have it all.

For now, I’m back, at least sort-of. And yes, I’m still very much married, and very much planning on staying that way—I do rather, sorta, kinda love the bugger, ya know. Men!
 
posted by Doc at 21:55 | Permalink |


17 Comments:


  • At 22:28, Anonymous Jessica

    Hi Doc,

    I've been following your blog for quite a while, though I'm not a big commenter (okay, this is my first comment). I'm glad you're back. I like reading about your life. I know what you mean about this cycle of resentment we stay-at-home moms feel with our young children. There are moments where I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of crazy as well, and I only have one child. I've decided the best thing for both of us is that he attend full time preschool this year. I'm an advocate of being a little bit selfish, because children will always suck up everything you have to give, and demand more.

     
  • At 22:47, Blogger materfamilias

    so glad to have you and your craziness and great sense of humour back -- and glad to hear you've survived what sounds like an especially tough time.

     
  • At 00:10, Blogger The Trecek Krewe

    Oh my! I was getting so worried about you! I didn't realize how addicted I was to reading your blog until I did not have postings of yours to read! I am so glad you are back. Everyone needs that mental health break. It always seems that when it rains, it pours! I cannot believe how badly everyone has been sick! I hope everyone is feeling better and that you are on the mend emotionally as well. Believe me when I say, been there done that (Just not in France LOL!) Take care of yourself and I am so happy that you are back. Email me when you get the chance!

    Love ya!

    Kim

     
  • At 00:21, Blogger Victoria

    hey doc it's glad to have you back!! glad to hear that things are going better for you.

     
  • At 02:42, Blogger La Rêveuse

    I was just thinking about you, wondering where you were. (I can't say when, as they do have NyQuil here, and I've been using, heavily.) But I am glad you're back. You're a touchstone, you know. When I feel overwhelmed, I can just look at you and say, "she's got it much worse than I do, and she's surviving. I will, too." I've had a whole house of sick for about a month, so I'm also frazzled, but glad to know you're still alive and heavily medicated.

    Let me know your address and I'll send NyQuil. :) They make it in caplets, you know!

     
  • At 03:21, Anonymous Alison

    It's good to hear that you are okay. And it's really easy to lose yourself in all the "caring for other people" that you are doing.

    I know I don't know you well, and I don't comment too often, but I will totally send you NyQuil and anything else you might need.

     
  • At 04:00, Blogger Heather

    Well, when you get to my stop, I'm going to be boarding the Crazy Bus alongside of you. I, too, was not meant for this mothering thing (although I was convinced for the better part of my life that I was), so I totally get it. Hang in there babe - we love ya and we're here for ya!

     
  • At 04:02, Blogger Heather

    P.S. My five year old just fractured her elbow (of all things) so we had a delightful weekend here! Many, many waiting rooms...

     
  • At 05:26, Blogger tanny

    Girl Im so glad you are back,We all love your blog, and you have a way of making us all feel better -tannylynn

     
  • At 11:36, Anonymous Vivi

    Welcome back to Blogland! Looking forward to tomorrow. :)

    ~The Moron

     
  • At 12:00, Blogger Samantha

    That's so bizarre, I was just thinking last night that I need to get in touch with you to make sure you hadn't fallen off the face of the Earth. And here you are. Writing posts that are better than any kind of birth control they can ever make, LOL! Seriously though, glad to see you back.

     
  • At 19:47, Anonymous Anonymous

    Welcome back, so glad you're ok(mostly:]) I was worried about you.
    This will all pass, I know it's hard to belive, but it will. It's hard to balance all and find time for yourself. Before you know it, they will grow past this stage of constant reinfecting each other.
    I've missed reading your comments on life.
    Alison in NJ

     
  • At 20:43, Blogger The Late Bloomer

    I'm so sorry to hear that things have been so terrible these past few months! And with the little ones all sick like that... I feel terrible, because here I was complaining about being sick for more than a month myself, and I can only imagine how difficult it must be with all the kids sick around you and having to take them to the doctor's like that!

    And of course I can't use the same line as Sam and say that this serves as good birth control for me, as I now have a little one on the way myself! Here's hoping that the baby will bring some more love and light into our lives...

    Hang in there, Doc, and take good care of yourself -- you definitely deserve some spoiling!

     
  • At 21:38, Blogger Antipodeesse

    Darlin', just back from snowy hols and very relieved to learn you are still cracking jokes about the dark side. Join the club Honey!

    Let's catch up soon.
    H
    xxxx

     
  • At 15:52, Blogger Jules

    I am so glad you are back! I don't know how you all do it, I spend 3 weeks over there and I am crying like well you know, a moron. I can't do it. I can't. I really. Just. Can't.

     
  • At 14:57, Blogger jchevais

    SHE LIVES!

    Thank god.

    It's all understood. You aren't crazy. I've been there too. The crazies still come, but they're different.

    Virtual hug...

     
  • At 18:38, Anonymous Third Culture Mamma

    Ahh glad to see you are back. Been lurking for months now. Sorry about the craziness - and thank god for national health care.